My Story

(Photo from Great Mind Wallpapers – click on image to find this and more beautiful wallpapers. I posted it here because I needed some beauty in the midst of all the current doom and gloom).

Zathryn Priest of “A Never Quiet Mind” is a young novelist who happens to suffer from bipolar disorder. On his blog, he occasionally shares his personal experiences. He is an inspiration, I recommend you check out his site. Recently, he has begun a “Depression Awareness Project” where he invites people to share their stories of fighting depression, suicide, and other mental illness problems. He hopes to make this e-book freely available with the intention of raising awareness.

A while back, I wrote a letter to my mother and posted it here. I mentioned a little of my own history and promised more later.

In support of Zathryn’s project and to fulfill my promise, I will begin my story. I will file these entries under “My Story”. I give Zathryn permission to any or all of my story as he sees fit as regards the “Depression Awareness Project”. I hope it helps. It may help me to write it.

The title of this blog “Out of the Void” has a very specific and personal meaning for me. In an overview of my life; I had a difficult childhood. I spent years trying to understand myself and others. I worked very hard to understand why things happen the way that they do. I underwent some years of therapy, read self-help books, and did all the suggested exercises. I went to seminars, attended self-help groups, etc. I only ever wanted to find peace, love and happiness (don’t we all?). I wanted to be free of my past. This stage of my journey culminated (in the late 1990’s) with the “trashing of all of my belief systems”. I ended up “in the Void” as I called it. I had no other name for it.

The Void was a scary place. When I say that I trashed all my belief systems, I mean that I literally trashed virtually every belief I had about the world. Or, rather, I was forced to trash them. Even after all the work I had done, I could not achieve the results I wanted. I had tried everything that was suggested to no avail. I even went back over various theories and techniques to see if I had missed something.

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that either I was a spiritual idiot and therefore just did not “get it” or that what I was being told was wrong. It was especially painful to see that some of what I was told seemed to work for other people. Why did it not work for me? Was there something wrong with me? This pain was the catalyst that propelled me into the Void.

The depth of my loss of faith was profound. I even lost faith in the solidity of the objective world. There were times I could not quite trust that the chair I was about to sit on would indeed support me. Nothing had any meaning. I cannot emphasize enough how very meaningless everything was. I could not find anyone that knew what I was talking about. So, I just labeled it “The Void”.

Although, quite scary, it was also exciting in a positive way. I intuitively knew that this was the path to freedom. I was now in a unique position to look more objectively into various beliefs. I could see that having a belief system provides structure within which to live. So, it is recommended that one have at least a nominal system.

Although, for many years, I held out hope that I would find Truth, I never really believed that any one system holds Absolute Truth. Given all this, I could now explore and put together a system of beliefs that made sense to me. I feel it is important I keep in mind that this “working theory” of mine is ever changing as I learn new things. My beliefs are therefore flexible. I make every effort to keep them flexible, however hard that can be at times. And, it does get hard. My ego really likes to be right and will resist changing position even in the face of evidence. Agnosticism helps. As my fundamental stance, it reminds me to be objective.

I spent years in and out of the void – the proverbial two steps forward and one step back. For the most part, I now remain “out of the void”.

Until now, I have focused on ideas I have developed “post void”, including some ideas I reclaimed from my “pre-void” journey. I think, perhaps, it is time I reviewed my journey. It may give me new insights. One can only hope.